Speed Bumps

Have you ever been driving along, not paying much attention, and hit a speed bump?  You are suddenly snapped into reality, scared, and paying attention to everything.  Once you realize what had happened you wonder why you did not see that coming.  If only you would have paid attention you could have slowed down and taken it easy, reducing the risk of damage to your car and eliminating the shock value.

The designer of the road knew the possibilities of driving too fast and not paying attention. The speed bump had a purpose and it served it.

Life has speed bumps as well, situations that slow us down.  Make us stop and think.  Make us realize that we are not paying enough attention.  They usually have a purpose.  Most times we have no idea what that purpose is we just have to go forward.

I often think that my life has an unusual amount of speed bumps.  Not knowing the purpose of most of them until much later I continue to move forward slowing down a little after each one.  Gaining insight about myself and the world they almost always make me a better person.

Life laid down a new speed bump this week.  One I have never seen before and hope to never see again.  It felt more like I hit a brick wall (but I’m not that bad of a driver!!!!) Once again I will keep moving forward, slow down, gain insight, and become a better person because of it.

I am not sure what purpose this new speed bump serves in my life or the lives of the people I love but I’m sure that someday we will all know.  What I do know is that I will look for the blessings in EVERY day, and I will not consider the next day a guarantee.

Rambilings

Someday I might stop saying…It’s been a while since I have written.  Every day I come up with a great subject that I would like to write on and everyday slips by without a single word on the page.  I wish I was better at stopping and writing down these ideas and subjects because when I do have time I have forgotten what I was thinking.  J  Must be a sign of old age!!

Boy do I feel like I am getting old some days!

News of the day… I guess an 8 – 5 job isn’t all it’s cracked up to be because I’m going back to the Grocery and excited about it.  Sure my time at home will be shorter but it will be worth it as far a job security and sanity.

I don’t know why but I seem to get along a lot better with teen agers and men than I do with a bunch of women in an office.  Call me crazy…. You would be right!  But I will take crazy over drama any day!!!

Something I have learned about myself lately… this goes back to getting old.  I’m not so great with change these days… In the “olden” days I embraced change.  It excited and exhilarated me, today it stresses me out!  Lots of change, jobs, kids going back to school, football! I am so excited about all three at the same time so NOT.  

Everything has a positive and a negative, and these days my brain goes straight to the negative.  What has happened to my old positive brain??  Lol I can always bring it back out but sometimes it takes longer than others.

Ramblings….A couple weeks ago I went to the most beautiful wedding I have ever been to.  I did not take notice while I was there but in retrospect I have never seen anything like it! It was magnificently put together!  It was filled with guests with nothing less than love for the two people getting married and each other.  Most weddings I have attended were not this way.  They were all for show and there was always some family drama going on in the back ground.  Someday I hope to have a wedding just like that!!  Maybe by then it will be legal!! 

This wedding I attended was not technically legal but they live in a state where same sex marriage is legal and they are legal.  Papers and laws don’t make a marriage.  Love, commitment, honesty, and respect make a marriage.  I may never have the papers in Kansas but I will have all the rest!

Sally Ride, American Hero and Second Class Citizen

I wanted to share this story with all my readers.  It says a lot of what I know but have not been able to put into words!!  Click on link to read!!!

Sally Ride American Hero: This is what a lesbian looks like

I didn’t come out quietly like Sally Ride (I was pushed)  , nor have I achieved any of the things she has but I am a normal human being, raising kids, going to work, putting my pants on one leg at a time.  I wish that the few did not give the many a bad reputation but that happens in every sub-culture.

I know the minute I was pushed “out” I became a monster, and if not a monster a sinner needing saved.    Like somehow the life I had before was a lie.  We are the same people before and after the label.  How can a word change how we are viewed?

Here is another article in which Mitt Romney is quoted as praising Sally Ride for her achievements and calls her inspiring. 

Sally Ride, American Hero and Second Class Citizen

What Mr. Romney says about her after he reads her obituary and finds out she is the epitome of what he is waging war against is yet to be seen. (by me at least) 

I guess all I am trying to say is this.  It is sad that so many, like Sally Ride, have to live their lives not able to share many personal successes, like a 27 year relationship, because it might ruin their career, alienate friends and family, or bring on the many other societal consequences of being in a same sex marriage.  Not being able to have a “real” relationship with the one you love because you are living in fear is a detriment to society and self in the end.

I have to say that I respect Sally for living her life as she did and achieving the goals that were important to her despite the odds against her.  However, you can be sure she suffered some because of it.  She is an American Hero in many ways!  

Don't Spoil it!!!

One theme is prevailing today… contentment!  Being content is a hard thing.  There is always something bigger/better out there. 

A facebook post I read today said “Do not spoil what u have by desiring what u have not; remember that what u now have was once among the things u only hoped for....” This is such a true statement!! When we get what we want it somehow loses its luster and something else becomes desirable. The trick is to keep what you have shined up!!... not always easy but so worth it!

I don’t think there is anything wrong with desiring to be better; to do better, to be a better person; we always have room for improvement.  We can do that without spoiling what we do have!!

For the first time in my life I am content most days! Does that mean I don’t want more for myself? NO!! but it does mean that I can live in peace with me.  Contentment comes from the inside.  Being ok with who I am and where I am, moving forward peacefully.  Changing and growing are inevitable….the day I stop changing and growing will be the day I die. 

I can’t say that I miss that hole in the middle of my chest and when it reappears it feels really bad now.  Usually causing me to spoil something I have, whether that is a relationship, my finances, or my attitude for the day. 

As I ponder all this I wonder….where did that contentment come from?  Why am I ok in my own skin today when just a year ago I wanted to crawl out of it?  So much of life is a mystery to me. J 

It is amazing to me how we can live so many lives in one lifetime.  Each one progressing to who we really are, where God has called us to be…who god has called us to be…  

Today…. Be content….  DON’T SPOIL IT!

Sometimes I wonder

I am having a Sometimes I wonder day. 

I wonder everyday…about something.  Mostly I wonder about people.  A lot of times I wonder “what was I thinking” but mostly I wonder “What were THEY thinking?”  You know what I mean.  People say and do the ugliest things seemingly without a second thought. And apparently without a first thought about how it will affect the people they say it to.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s all worth it to put ourselves out there to be the recipient of this type of turmoil and sometimes I wonder what I do and say that affect people adversely.   Most of us are only concerned with how something makes us feel, so I guess it is good to contemplate how I make others feel.

Sometimes I wonder how to affect others in a positive way.  It often seems that nothing I say or do has a positive effect.  I know it does eventually. 

I’m having inner turmoil with just how much influence is enough and how much is too much.  I want to have a positive effect on my children to help them make wise choices about who they surround themselves with.  I based my opinion on my knowledge and my values. This is right. Yes?  

But on the other hand I am the recipient of a mother “warning her daughter” about making wise choices.  She is basing her opinion on what she knows and her values.   So I am the undesirable in this situation; the bad influence.  Exactly how I look at my daughters friends sometimes.  

If you know me at all you know that I learn my lessons based on parallel experiences.  Looking at other people’s lives and trying to learn from them.  When people have an opinion of me I examine it.   Look for the truth in it and make changes based on what they say and what I find in my examination.  In this situation I am having a hard time because I am doing the same thing this “other mother” is doing and I am expecting my daughter to make “the right choice.”   

I have no answers to this situation, so I guess I will go on contemplating but one thing I do know is that this one has certainly “hit home.”

Speaking of hitting home…Its BASEBALL season!!  Whoo hooo!!

Thank you!

I got a little bit of feedback on my last blog and it gave me some hope… all along  I have been hoping for some dialog.  That is how we all grow… I don’t hold the corner on any market.  I am growing just like you are.  I am glad that the blog is being read but what I really want is to hear from you in either a private email, directly on the blog or right on facebook.  

Give your name or be anonymous it doesn’t matter.

Thank you for speaking out!  Good or bad. Agree with me or not, I want to hear from you!  You have a reason for reading this blog.  Maybe you agree, maybe you live vicariously though others success and failure.  Maybe you are just nosey!  I want to know why you read it.  What you think.  How you feel.  This is a place to be yourself, say what you want.  I have big shoulders!  And I can address real life issues that we are dealing with if you let me know what’s going on.

I believe that we are all on a journey.  We are all gonna make mistakes.   We are all gonna outgrow things and grow into others.  I have made many mistakes.  And I will make many more!!

                                                                                                                                                                (UnfortunatelyJ)

Church???

Here it is again…Sunday morning.   For the last 2+ years I have worked on Sunday morning making going to church or not an easy decision.   This is the 3^rd Sunday I have not had to work and whether or not to go to church nagging me.

I have had very bad experience with church, not the building but the people who occupy them on Sunday mornings, the last 3 years.   Working on Sundays made that dilemma go away for a short period.

As you can see… not to go won out again.  I decided that internet church was a lot less intimidating…

I live in a very small town with 5 churches, my house is located between two of them…. one in my front yard and one in the back. Two others are within a block of my house.  Being family of a small town business I feel it is very important to be part of the community that I live in so I am drawn to stay in town for church.

The people in the church in my back yard, which I had been a member, employee, and board member, made it very clear 2+ years ago that as long as I continued the lifestyle I had chosen I was not welcome.  Oh I could go take up a pew and they would not kick me out by force, but I definitely would not be welcome to be associated with any of their programs or activities…. And definitely the “friends” I’d had there for almost 10 years would not be my friend anymore they would be my conscience.  I miss them and I’m sure they pray for me (or maybe they have given me over to the devil so he can bring me back J)   None the less… I don’t feel very welcome there. 

The one at my front door… the minister who used to be there was very welcoming.  Even came to my house a couple times to evangelize my girlfriend at the time.  If I had not been working I would have gone there.  I know all the people there too… and they know me so I am not sure I would be welcomed there either and the new minister… I don’t know her and have not been brave enough to put myself out there.

I guess I have put myself in a position to be an outcast in a small town.  I could go to Topeka and be a number.  And there are two “open and affirming” churches in Topeka.  I went to one for a while.  I liked several things about it.  But there were things that I didn’t like so much.  Not that you have to like everything about a place of worship…..

I wish that homosexuality wasn’t such as a political/religious issue.  What does it really matter who I love?    I wish the churches would step into the 21^st century and put their money where their mouth is… they preach love but support hate and intolerance.  My desire for a family oriented, faith based life is the same as my heterosexual opponents. I have that life… my family just looks different.  And the sad part is, so does my faith because of their actions.  On second thought... maybe that's not so bad.  My love is genuine and my mind isn't so narrow now as to think that I am better than anyone, including them.

Changes Transpired

I woke up so early today (5:30)…laying here saying to myself “go back to sleep!!”  My thoughts turned to you.   So many times I have had current events topics or life issues that I wanted to write about but I have not found the time.

Back in January I posted a blog about changes… boy was I right.  My life has changed drastically in the last couple months…   back in July I decided that it wasn’t in the best interest of my kids for me to work 50+ hours including 3 evenings and Sundays.  My daughter was adamant about coming to live with me (which I didn’t think would happen) and getting in trouble, plus I was missing their events. I wanted to be more available for them. So I embarked on the job hunt adventure.  In January I started getting interviews from the millions of applications I had put in.  As you know I worked for and with my family so it made me sad to think about leaving there.  Along with the downfalls of the job there were equal benefits: like working daily with my sister who has become my best friend and my dad who I adore, plus a lot of contact with my mom who is pretty special too.  (Family is a very important part in my life.  I have said before that they accept me and LOVE me for who I am and for that I am truly blessed.) Not to mention my customers.

Since then…. In February I took a new job which I started in March.  Sounds like I should have had plenty of time to write…right?  Monday thru Friday 8-5…but I ended up staying at the grocery part time for most of March, helping out and training my replacement.  AND my daughter came to live with me. This last week was my first 40 hour week and I spent it catching up on some things that needed done….and was planning on sleeping in this morning. J

The changes in my life have been bittersweet to say the least.  The situation surrounding my daughter coming to live with me was less than favorable but we play with the hand we are dealt and I am loving having her here! (Any mothers of present or past teenage daughters email me for the details so I can learn from other situations: what works and what doesn't....)

Life  changes….I was just sitting here in deep contemplation over my life in the last 3 years…. I think I’m finally on the downward side of the huge mountain I was looking at 3 years ago.  I guess my motto of “pretend no more” is panning out.  I am happier today than I have been in my whole life and that is saying something because my life has not been a bad one. 

Being who we are brings a peace that surpasses understanding… I know that is a Bible reference… Phil 4:6-9.  Put it all in God’s hands and do as He directs you only then will things will work out and you will have peace.(angi’s paraphrase)  I can only believe that is what is happening in my life. 3 years ago next month I begged God to take this thorn from me.  Cried for months and let people tell me this was not God's will for my life.  I believe God wanted me to be who I am and wanted me to stop pretending to be who I was.  I put it all in His hands.  Oh its not all rainbows and butterflies (whose is?)…and I have made alot of mistakes (who hasn't?)....but it is a life worth living and working out every day!!

Jennifer Knapp

From the first time I heard Jennifer Knapp sing the words of her songs resonated with my soul.  I knew there was a connection.  He songs were begging God to change her... make her whole... make her right according to what she had been taught about God and His desire for her life.

Listen to one of theses songs... Whole Again

For years I considered my same sex attraction a thorn in my side like Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10  A sin that just wouldn't let go.  Something that would torment me.  Begging God to remove it... just take it away so I could live a "normal" life.

I wanted  to share this blog because what she has to say is so true of so many people... read the comments too!    
I could write the exact same things written here but why re-invent the wheel... enjoy

Knapp's blog from this week

Who's to say....

Washington Gay Marriage: State Senate Approves Bill To Allow Same Sex Couples To Wed

Another step forward for Gay couples to feel like a family… I will touch on Gay marriage in another post but for today…..

“Gay marriage opponent Jane Sterland, 56, stood outside the Senate gallery before the debate started. Sterland said she was disappointed by the light turnout of same-sex marriage foes.

"It saddens me that there aren't more Christians here tonight," she said. "I'm just very grieved about this whole thing. I want to be here for prayer support against this issue."”

This quote taken from the above linked news article makes me angry… What makes Ms. Sterland think that the pro gay marriage turnout was “NOT CHRISTIAN”?

This is exactly the point i was making in my last post…. We believe that we are right and everyone else is wrong… I have seen Ms. Sterland’s attitude in many people over the last few years and have come to realize that even I had it at one point in my life.

Religion isn’t the only area where this is pervasive in but it is one of the most outspoken… If you don’t fit into a nice set of rules then... well.....you are not a Christian. 

I personally know gay people who are strong believers and great workers for the Lord… who have been discredited because of the sexual orientation that God gave them.  They feel shame for who they are to the point of being rendered unusable by God.  That my friend is the work of satan.  He has come to kill, steal, and destroy and his work is going well.  Especially inside the walls of narrow minded, conservative Christians who are saying “it’s my way or no way”.

I understand that they believe it is a sin and that their right.  But it is not their right to judge whether or not I am a Christian….

The Bible says we are all different; that we all have different purposes.  It tells us that we should respect each other not cut each other off…   1 Corinthians 12-13

 If we could all embrace that we could work together instead of always battling… just think about the great works we could do for the Lord!

United we stand, Divided we fall

United we stand, divided we fall...first attributed to Aesop in The four Oxen and a Tiger has been used throughout history since approx. 560 BCE.  It has been used in venues ranging from state mottos, presidential speeches, and times of war to punk rock and heavy metal songs.  This phrase has traveled the world. 

 

It seems to me that this is one of those terms we use to justify our own cause.  We take people who are already like us and unite to hold out the enemy, much like the fable from which this phrase was taken .  I think we have forgotten who the enemy is… we have let the enemy divide us… he has set us against each other.

We have so many divisions that when it is all said and done we stand alone.  Oh we have our groups that have been assigned to… groups who also stand alone waging war against each other.  I could name them but you know their names already.  You know the name of the one you associate yourself with and also the name of the enemy in which you stand against.

These groups start in Kindergarten, cliques we call them, inside the clique every person feels alone.  You remember, don’t you?  Junior High and High School were the worst for belonging yet feeling alone.  Gossip and backstabbing made it hard to trust anyone…  The adult world is much the same.

We all have our ideals… the things we have learned from the time we were young until today that tell us who we are.  We are so self centered that we take that and apply it to everyone.  Everyone should be the same as us and if they are not… well quiet honestly… they are the enemy. 

It is time to embrace our differences and look for our similarities…. Stand with one another instead of against.

We are all people, humans, and we are all doing what we know how to do…  when we divide that camp we are destined to fall. 

Change

It has been a couple weeks since I have had time to sit down and write… now that I do have the time I have too many thoughts and topics swirling through my mind… 

You are about to experience the discombobulated thought process that I do every day!  Lol enjoy!

Changes are on the horizon… oh, what’s new… change is one of the only things that stays consistent in this life; some people hate change while others thrive on it…. I am more of a middle of the road person when it comes to change.  Some changes occur naturally; while others seem forced.  Many times change comes with a grieving process.  Lately I have been anticipating the latter… I don’t like that type of change. 

I have never been an emotional person.  It seemed that I learned at an early age to turn off emotion, to detach from people and material things because they were never consistent or reliable.  I was always in protection/survival mode.  In the last two years I have tried to let myself feel (sometimes to my own demise) and I do not like it one bit!!  I would rather be the “always happy” person.  Feelings do not work that way unfortunately….

I have come to realize that some days I am just not gonna be up and happy, some days I will feel down and contemplative.  I do not like those days, I tend to over analyze, try to figure out what has got me down so that I can fix it! 

I am a fixer.  I can fix you… I can fix me… I can fix the world…. Hahahaha… in my dreams!

Fixing isn’t always possible but healing is…. I have people in my life now that let me be who I am… who let me talk about what I am feeling without judgment, without taking it all personal,  that is a change!   A change I do like but it is gonna take a lot of getting used to!

New Years Resolutions

New Year’s is a time for reflection… a time to make resolutions… changes in our lives.

I can’t believe how time has flown by this year!  Or how many bad decisions I made in 2011!  Oh I know…. we all make bad decisions every day, we don’t always acknowledge them or correct them but we do…  I also made some good decisions in 2011.

I have been thinking about resolutions…

res·o·lu·tion 

n.

1. The state or quality of being resolute; firm determination.

2. A resolving to do something.

3. A course of action determined or decided on.

I have heard over and over the last few days… my new year’s resolutions are easy I will just change the date at the top of the list from 2011 to 2012… but no one is really telling what they are... we don't want to be held accountable for them... lol   like when i gain 5lb this year instead of loose it... 

We can resolve to do or be many things in our life, but unless it is truly who we are it will only serve to make us miserable.  I’m not talking about the misery of going on a diet and being hungry.  This is a deeper misery; a deep longing to be who you are, leaving a gaping hole in your soul.  We get our minds set on a goal and we go for it now matter how it makes us feel emotionally, spiritually, or physically.  Eventually it fizzles out and we feel like a failure.

Instead of keeping up with the Jones’ this year reflect on your life, your goals, and your inner being, pay attention to what your soul is longing for, where the emptiness comes from and make a resolution based on that.

What do you truly want? A better marriage?  more financial security?  a deeper spiritual life?  to feel better about yourself?  Find realistic ways fill the hole inside of you. Make a plan of action!  It won’t just happen because you wrote it on a list.  It takes work but if it is truly what your heart desires you will make it happen. 

Remember you don’t have to do it alone… there are many resources on the internet, at the library, in support groups and with friends.  

Once you have filled the empty place inside life will seem much easier.

My resolution for the year is this….  I have learned by reflecting on the last year that I didn’t trust my own gut feelings… I am going to trust my gut this year!  Oh!  and pay off my credit card debt! 

Tell me what your New Year’s Resolution is!