Sometimes I wonder

I am having a Sometimes I wonder day. 

I wonder everyday…about something.  Mostly I wonder about people.  A lot of times I wonder “what was I thinking” but mostly I wonder “What were THEY thinking?”  You know what I mean.  People say and do the ugliest things seemingly without a second thought. And apparently without a first thought about how it will affect the people they say it to.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s all worth it to put ourselves out there to be the recipient of this type of turmoil and sometimes I wonder what I do and say that affect people adversely.   Most of us are only concerned with how something makes us feel, so I guess it is good to contemplate how I make others feel.

Sometimes I wonder how to affect others in a positive way.  It often seems that nothing I say or do has a positive effect.  I know it does eventually. 

I’m having inner turmoil with just how much influence is enough and how much is too much.  I want to have a positive effect on my children to help them make wise choices about who they surround themselves with.  I based my opinion on my knowledge and my values. This is right. Yes?  

But on the other hand I am the recipient of a mother “warning her daughter” about making wise choices.  She is basing her opinion on what she knows and her values.   So I am the undesirable in this situation; the bad influence.  Exactly how I look at my daughters friends sometimes.  

If you know me at all you know that I learn my lessons based on parallel experiences.  Looking at other people’s lives and trying to learn from them.  When people have an opinion of me I examine it.   Look for the truth in it and make changes based on what they say and what I find in my examination.  In this situation I am having a hard time because I am doing the same thing this “other mother” is doing and I am expecting my daughter to make “the right choice.”   

I have no answers to this situation, so I guess I will go on contemplating but one thing I do know is that this one has certainly “hit home.”

Speaking of hitting home…Its BASEBALL season!!  Whoo hooo!!

Thank you!

I got a little bit of feedback on my last blog and it gave me some hope… all along  I have been hoping for some dialog.  That is how we all grow… I don’t hold the corner on any market.  I am growing just like you are.  I am glad that the blog is being read but what I really want is to hear from you in either a private email, directly on the blog or right on facebook.  

Give your name or be anonymous it doesn’t matter.

Thank you for speaking out!  Good or bad. Agree with me or not, I want to hear from you!  You have a reason for reading this blog.  Maybe you agree, maybe you live vicariously though others success and failure.  Maybe you are just nosey!  I want to know why you read it.  What you think.  How you feel.  This is a place to be yourself, say what you want.  I have big shoulders!  And I can address real life issues that we are dealing with if you let me know what’s going on.

I believe that we are all on a journey.  We are all gonna make mistakes.   We are all gonna outgrow things and grow into others.  I have made many mistakes.  And I will make many more!!

                                                                                                                                                                (UnfortunatelyJ)

Church???

Here it is again…Sunday morning.   For the last 2+ years I have worked on Sunday morning making going to church or not an easy decision.   This is the 3^rd Sunday I have not had to work and whether or not to go to church nagging me.

I have had very bad experience with church, not the building but the people who occupy them on Sunday mornings, the last 3 years.   Working on Sundays made that dilemma go away for a short period.

As you can see… not to go won out again.  I decided that internet church was a lot less intimidating…

I live in a very small town with 5 churches, my house is located between two of them…. one in my front yard and one in the back. Two others are within a block of my house.  Being family of a small town business I feel it is very important to be part of the community that I live in so I am drawn to stay in town for church.

The people in the church in my back yard, which I had been a member, employee, and board member, made it very clear 2+ years ago that as long as I continued the lifestyle I had chosen I was not welcome.  Oh I could go take up a pew and they would not kick me out by force, but I definitely would not be welcome to be associated with any of their programs or activities…. And definitely the “friends” I’d had there for almost 10 years would not be my friend anymore they would be my conscience.  I miss them and I’m sure they pray for me (or maybe they have given me over to the devil so he can bring me back J)   None the less… I don’t feel very welcome there. 

The one at my front door… the minister who used to be there was very welcoming.  Even came to my house a couple times to evangelize my girlfriend at the time.  If I had not been working I would have gone there.  I know all the people there too… and they know me so I am not sure I would be welcomed there either and the new minister… I don’t know her and have not been brave enough to put myself out there.

I guess I have put myself in a position to be an outcast in a small town.  I could go to Topeka and be a number.  And there are two “open and affirming” churches in Topeka.  I went to one for a while.  I liked several things about it.  But there were things that I didn’t like so much.  Not that you have to like everything about a place of worship…..

I wish that homosexuality wasn’t such as a political/religious issue.  What does it really matter who I love?    I wish the churches would step into the 21^st century and put their money where their mouth is… they preach love but support hate and intolerance.  My desire for a family oriented, faith based life is the same as my heterosexual opponents. I have that life… my family just looks different.  And the sad part is, so does my faith because of their actions.  On second thought... maybe that's not so bad.  My love is genuine and my mind isn't so narrow now as to think that I am better than anyone, including them.