The Outsider

I did not realize how hard it was going to be for me to find time to blog every couple days.  I spend a lot of time thinking about what I am going to say and by the time I sit down to write it is all gone.  I guess this is what they call writers block....or scared to death. 

The story begins so many years ago it is hard for me to even remember.... what I do remember about being a kid is the fact that I never felt like I fit in.  I was always the outsider in my own mind. 

The older I get the more I realize that many people felt this way growing up and still feel this way as adult.  It is one of those things we never talk about. 

The things we never talk about perpetuate that feeling of being an outsider.  I have things, secrets, weirdness that I don't want anyone else to know about.  You do too... don't you?

My oldest son told me just the other day.... "Mom"  he said "The only people who are normal are those who hide there weirdness the best."   This is my new mantra when I feel my weirdest because it is so true!

I think it is time we all came clean... talked about our weirdness, this gives others the freedom to talk about theirs... and believe me they have some.   It gives us the freedom to be who we are, who God made us to be instead of fitting into some box that our culture has made for us.

My  challenge to you today.... be who you are, pretend no more

You are not alone

So much on my mind tonight I’m not sure where to start.  I want to go right into the meat of the story but I think I should clarify the purpose for this blog a little more.  (Not to mention I’m a little scared to put it out there.)

I lived through a time in my life when I had no one that understood me, not even me, and all I wanted was someone to listen.  Someone to tell me they had been there and understood what I was going through; someone to tell me to hold on.  To let me scream and cry and laugh at myself without trying to change who I was becoming. 

I know the painful process that is taking place.  It is much like a caterpillar in the cocoon, all alone, scared and confused, in the dark, changing into something God created it to be.  I don’t know if a caterpillar feels pain, confusion, or fear during its metamorphosis but I do know that humans feel pain, fear, and confusion in this stage.  This process takes place in a number of situations or changes in life and we may go through it more than once.  Sometimes the process starts and we stop it, but it is inevitable.  It will eventually happen we just prolong the pain.

I want to be there, even if it is only through words on a page. 

At least you will know you are not alone

So much to say

Why is it that I feel like I have so much to say but when it comes to starting this blog I am speechless?   I will start off by giving you a brief history…..

I am a lesbian who was married (to a man) at 19, had two children.  Divorced at 22 and lived with a woman that I loved for a year and a half.  Was told that lifestyle was a sin so I left her and went back to him.  Married him again at 24, had two more children, lived a life immersed in conservative fundamental Christianity for the next 15 years. 

I have four wonderful children.  My oldest son, Brenton, is 21 and is in the normal young adult transition of trying to find out who he is and what he wants to be when he grows up.  He is about to embark on a journey far from home and go to culinary school. I am very proud of him.   Michael is 19, going into his 3^rd year of Christian College to be a family minister,  he is unofficially engaged to be married, and is working in Joplin doing disaster relief this summer after the tornado. Again I am proud of this young man.    Margaret is almost 14, looks 17, and acts 25 (enough said) and Johnny is 12 going into junior high and is totally stoked for football right now.  Both promise to grow up and be outstanding adults.

I work almost 60 hours a week managing a grocery store and I take on side jobs of painting and finishing drywall in my spare time.

I have a wonderful girlfriend who you will probably hear a lot about.

I like text lingo so you will see some of that in my writing and I love humor so hopefully you have a sense of humor as well. J

I am a 42 year old woman with seemingly 82 years of story to tell.    

My desire to publish this blog come from the events of 2009 in which I could no longer live the “pretend” life that I had been living.  I searched desperately for someone, anyone, to relate to.  I found no one.   I vowed I would be there for others in my position once I got on my feet.  I am on my feet and it is time to tell my story.