Chameleon

I left the story in the last post with meeting the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. That was in 1993.  We lived together, I went to school, and raised a couple little ones for a year and a half.   We loved each other and worked well together on building a home.  I was young and not secure with myself or my sexuality. 

At this point in my life I was doing what I wanted, needed to do.  Many people in my life were telling me I was wrong; that my relationship with her was wrong.  Emotionally I was up and down.   I was searching spiritually for the right path.   One day a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses came to the door and I let them in.   It was obvious from family pictures on the wall that we were a couple.  They brought out the Bible and pointed out all the verses that condemned homosexuality.   My partner got angry with them and tore one of the pages out of her Bible and told them…”well it doesn’t say that now does it”. 

I have been a chameleon all my life.  I learned to change my behavior and my desires based on what was going on around me or what the people around me wanted.  With all the peer and family pressure my reactionary personality took over.  Although I loved her, I left her.  I thought it was better that way.  Make everyone else happy, and God happy too.

Being a chameleon is not a fun way to live nor is it very happy.  It also causes a lot of pain for the people you are trying to change for.  You can only be someone you are not for so long.  Then you break and people get hurt and confused.  Many times they try to change you back to what you had become.  When we wear masks...or misrepresent ourselves we are doing an injustice to ourselves and others.

  

This was not the end of that behavior for me; in fact I struggle daily with not reacting to the desires of others; wanting to change me in order to make others happy.   One thing I have discovered in the last couple years is that I have to know myself before I can put an end to this madness…   Getting to know your self is not fun work either J

Today I am ME nothing more…. Nothing less…