When people find out I am a lesbian one of the first questions they ask is “when did you know?” I look back and think about this question a lot.
I grew up in a small town… population -50 as referred to by Cory who is from California… with very small town mentality. I don’t even think I knew there was such a thing as a lesbian until I was 19. What I do know is that I felt closer to my girlfriends and was more distraught about losing one of them than I ever was losing a boy… don’t get me wrong I had boyfriends and did the whole dating thing… a little too much.
I got married at 20. That is early and I barely knew the man, we had only known each other for 3 months when we got married. Looking back I know that I was just looking for a stable life. Not that my childhood was unstable but I was not comfortable being alone. I was not comfortable with who I was. I think that had a lot to do with not knowing who I was.
I married and alcoholic which I knew nothing about either and in the beginning didn’t realize because I was drinking right along with him. When I got pregnant, on our honeymoon, I started to see the light…. A little too late….
I was working as a hairstylist so I got to know a lot of people… different kinds of people… my world opened up. I fell for one of my clients and realized it was more than just wanting to be best friends with her… being married I put it in the back of my mind.
Things went downhill fast in our marriage… by the time we were married for two years his alcoholism had gotten much worse… he was not working… so I was supporting the family, cleaning the house, taking care of the baby and I was pregnant again and he was suggesting a threesome… “bring a good looking girl home with you” I was afraid to do that because I knew that was very dangerous for our marriage. But I started exploring my sexuality.
After I had my 2nd baby things were really bad in the marriage and I left him. I knew at this point that I did not want to be with a man… that my love was going to be a woman.
I had a two year old and a 6 month old at this time and I worked full time so there was not much time for a social life but I found time and eventually met the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with…..
I don’t know if this answers the question of “did you know?” It is my opinion that no parent in their right mind would encourage same sex relationships because of the hardship it puts on them. Not that my parents knew.
Society is definitely heterosexual promoting so even if I knew I would have suppressed it and gotten married because it was the “right thing to do”.
That suppression of who I am caused many hardships and caused a lot of pain for me and others….so again I say pretend NO more…
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