Changes Transpired

I woke up so early today (5:30)…laying here saying to myself “go back to sleep!!”  My thoughts turned to you.   So many times I have had current events topics or life issues that I wanted to write about but I have not found the time.

Back in January I posted a blog about changes… boy was I right.  My life has changed drastically in the last couple months…   back in July I decided that it wasn’t in the best interest of my kids for me to work 50+ hours including 3 evenings and Sundays.  My daughter was adamant about coming to live with me (which I didn’t think would happen) and getting in trouble, plus I was missing their events. I wanted to be more available for them. So I embarked on the job hunt adventure.  In January I started getting interviews from the millions of applications I had put in.  As you know I worked for and with my family so it made me sad to think about leaving there.  Along with the downfalls of the job there were equal benefits: like working daily with my sister who has become my best friend and my dad who I adore, plus a lot of contact with my mom who is pretty special too.  (Family is a very important part in my life.  I have said before that they accept me and LOVE me for who I am and for that I am truly blessed.) Not to mention my customers.

Since then…. In February I took a new job which I started in March.  Sounds like I should have had plenty of time to write…right?  Monday thru Friday 8-5…but I ended up staying at the grocery part time for most of March, helping out and training my replacement.  AND my daughter came to live with me. This last week was my first 40 hour week and I spent it catching up on some things that needed done….and was planning on sleeping in this morning. J

The changes in my life have been bittersweet to say the least.  The situation surrounding my daughter coming to live with me was less than favorable but we play with the hand we are dealt and I am loving having her here! (Any mothers of present or past teenage daughters email me for the details so I can learn from other situations: what works and what doesn't....)

Life  changes….I was just sitting here in deep contemplation over my life in the last 3 years…. I think I’m finally on the downward side of the huge mountain I was looking at 3 years ago.  I guess my motto of “pretend no more” is panning out.  I am happier today than I have been in my whole life and that is saying something because my life has not been a bad one. 

Being who we are brings a peace that surpasses understanding… I know that is a Bible reference… Phil 4:6-9.  Put it all in God’s hands and do as He directs you only then will things will work out and you will have peace.(angi’s paraphrase)  I can only believe that is what is happening in my life. 3 years ago next month I begged God to take this thorn from me.  Cried for months and let people tell me this was not God's will for my life.  I believe God wanted me to be who I am and wanted me to stop pretending to be who I was.  I put it all in His hands.  Oh its not all rainbows and butterflies (whose is?)…and I have made alot of mistakes (who hasn't?)....but it is a life worth living and working out every day!!

Jennifer Knapp

From the first time I heard Jennifer Knapp sing the words of her songs resonated with my soul.  I knew there was a connection.  He songs were begging God to change her... make her whole... make her right according to what she had been taught about God and His desire for her life.

Listen to one of theses songs... Whole Again

For years I considered my same sex attraction a thorn in my side like Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10  A sin that just wouldn't let go.  Something that would torment me.  Begging God to remove it... just take it away so I could live a "normal" life.

I wanted  to share this blog because what she has to say is so true of so many people... read the comments too!    
I could write the exact same things written here but why re-invent the wheel... enjoy

Knapp's blog from this week

Who's to say....

Washington Gay Marriage: State Senate Approves Bill To Allow Same Sex Couples To Wed

Another step forward for Gay couples to feel like a family… I will touch on Gay marriage in another post but for today…..

“Gay marriage opponent Jane Sterland, 56, stood outside the Senate gallery before the debate started. Sterland said she was disappointed by the light turnout of same-sex marriage foes.

"It saddens me that there aren't more Christians here tonight," she said. "I'm just very grieved about this whole thing. I want to be here for prayer support against this issue."”

This quote taken from the above linked news article makes me angry… What makes Ms. Sterland think that the pro gay marriage turnout was “NOT CHRISTIAN”?

This is exactly the point i was making in my last post…. We believe that we are right and everyone else is wrong… I have seen Ms. Sterland’s attitude in many people over the last few years and have come to realize that even I had it at one point in my life.

Religion isn’t the only area where this is pervasive in but it is one of the most outspoken… If you don’t fit into a nice set of rules then... well.....you are not a Christian. 

I personally know gay people who are strong believers and great workers for the Lord… who have been discredited because of the sexual orientation that God gave them.  They feel shame for who they are to the point of being rendered unusable by God.  That my friend is the work of satan.  He has come to kill, steal, and destroy and his work is going well.  Especially inside the walls of narrow minded, conservative Christians who are saying “it’s my way or no way”.

I understand that they believe it is a sin and that their right.  But it is not their right to judge whether or not I am a Christian….

The Bible says we are all different; that we all have different purposes.  It tells us that we should respect each other not cut each other off…   1 Corinthians 12-13

 If we could all embrace that we could work together instead of always battling… just think about the great works we could do for the Lord!

United we stand, Divided we fall

United we stand, divided we fall...first attributed to Aesop in The four Oxen and a Tiger has been used throughout history since approx. 560 BCE.  It has been used in venues ranging from state mottos, presidential speeches, and times of war to punk rock and heavy metal songs.  This phrase has traveled the world. 

 

It seems to me that this is one of those terms we use to justify our own cause.  We take people who are already like us and unite to hold out the enemy, much like the fable from which this phrase was taken .  I think we have forgotten who the enemy is… we have let the enemy divide us… he has set us against each other.

We have so many divisions that when it is all said and done we stand alone.  Oh we have our groups that have been assigned to… groups who also stand alone waging war against each other.  I could name them but you know their names already.  You know the name of the one you associate yourself with and also the name of the enemy in which you stand against.

These groups start in Kindergarten, cliques we call them, inside the clique every person feels alone.  You remember, don’t you?  Junior High and High School were the worst for belonging yet feeling alone.  Gossip and backstabbing made it hard to trust anyone…  The adult world is much the same.

We all have our ideals… the things we have learned from the time we were young until today that tell us who we are.  We are so self centered that we take that and apply it to everyone.  Everyone should be the same as us and if they are not… well quiet honestly… they are the enemy. 

It is time to embrace our differences and look for our similarities…. Stand with one another instead of against.

We are all people, humans, and we are all doing what we know how to do…  when we divide that camp we are destined to fall. 

Change

It has been a couple weeks since I have had time to sit down and write… now that I do have the time I have too many thoughts and topics swirling through my mind… 

You are about to experience the discombobulated thought process that I do every day!  Lol enjoy!

Changes are on the horizon… oh, what’s new… change is one of the only things that stays consistent in this life; some people hate change while others thrive on it…. I am more of a middle of the road person when it comes to change.  Some changes occur naturally; while others seem forced.  Many times change comes with a grieving process.  Lately I have been anticipating the latter… I don’t like that type of change. 

I have never been an emotional person.  It seemed that I learned at an early age to turn off emotion, to detach from people and material things because they were never consistent or reliable.  I was always in protection/survival mode.  In the last two years I have tried to let myself feel (sometimes to my own demise) and I do not like it one bit!!  I would rather be the “always happy” person.  Feelings do not work that way unfortunately….

I have come to realize that some days I am just not gonna be up and happy, some days I will feel down and contemplative.  I do not like those days, I tend to over analyze, try to figure out what has got me down so that I can fix it! 

I am a fixer.  I can fix you… I can fix me… I can fix the world…. Hahahaha… in my dreams!

Fixing isn’t always possible but healing is…. I have people in my life now that let me be who I am… who let me talk about what I am feeling without judgment, without taking it all personal,  that is a change!   A change I do like but it is gonna take a lot of getting used to!

New Years Resolutions

New Year’s is a time for reflection… a time to make resolutions… changes in our lives.

I can’t believe how time has flown by this year!  Or how many bad decisions I made in 2011!  Oh I know…. we all make bad decisions every day, we don’t always acknowledge them or correct them but we do…  I also made some good decisions in 2011.

I have been thinking about resolutions…

res·o·lu·tion 

n.

1. The state or quality of being resolute; firm determination.

2. A resolving to do something.

3. A course of action determined or decided on.

I have heard over and over the last few days… my new year’s resolutions are easy I will just change the date at the top of the list from 2011 to 2012… but no one is really telling what they are... we don't want to be held accountable for them... lol   like when i gain 5lb this year instead of loose it... 

We can resolve to do or be many things in our life, but unless it is truly who we are it will only serve to make us miserable.  I’m not talking about the misery of going on a diet and being hungry.  This is a deeper misery; a deep longing to be who you are, leaving a gaping hole in your soul.  We get our minds set on a goal and we go for it now matter how it makes us feel emotionally, spiritually, or physically.  Eventually it fizzles out and we feel like a failure.

Instead of keeping up with the Jones’ this year reflect on your life, your goals, and your inner being, pay attention to what your soul is longing for, where the emptiness comes from and make a resolution based on that.

What do you truly want? A better marriage?  more financial security?  a deeper spiritual life?  to feel better about yourself?  Find realistic ways fill the hole inside of you. Make a plan of action!  It won’t just happen because you wrote it on a list.  It takes work but if it is truly what your heart desires you will make it happen. 

Remember you don’t have to do it alone… there are many resources on the internet, at the library, in support groups and with friends.  

Once you have filled the empty place inside life will seem much easier.

My resolution for the year is this….  I have learned by reflecting on the last year that I didn’t trust my own gut feelings… I am going to trust my gut this year!  Oh!  and pay off my credit card debt! 

Tell me what your New Year’s Resolution is!

Double Edged Sword

This time of year is a double edged sword for many people… we all have things to be happy about but there are also many memories that cause us to reflect on our lives…. Are we were we want to be? Are we going in the right direction? We might miss someone who has passed,  just moved out of our lives, or  people we want to spend the Christmas season with.  

I left of the story of my life back in “Chameleon” with leaving the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.  It seemed the pressure from my peers and society was too much to bear so I went back to my ex husband.  We were remarried in January 1995.  I made a choice, a choice to live as society thought I should. 

I delved into a live of religion, church and family… trying to leave behind all the things I knew were right.  We had two more kids, I was a stay at home mom, homeschooled, gardened, and took care of him.

I left him two years ago today and I have been introspecting about the questions posed in the beginning of this post. 

Am I were I want to be?  Yes, I am happier now than I have been in my 42 years… I am now the person I was made to be.  Not pretending to be someone I am not.

Am I on the right path? I believe so, life is a journey, are there things I long for?  Yes but I am traveling a road to fulfill those dreams… one thing that age has taught me is that good things come to those who wait. 

Are there people I want to spend Christmas with?  Yes, and I am so excited this year I get to spend Christmas eve morning with all four of my kids… I can’t wait but I also desire a family unit, that special someone to shop with, wrap with, bake with, and build new traditions with.  That is my double edged sword this year but I know it will come in time.

I saw a wall hanging in a store the other day that read, “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”

 I know it is true…..

This year use your double edged sword for a positive….  Change the things you can change, accept the things you can’t and be content with where you are today because it’s all you have.