The Journey part 4

I apologize for the delay in this series. I will be posting on Tuesday or Wednesday of every week from now on.  This will be the last in the series although the Journey continues.

As I was trying to explain my take on Romans 1, I decided that this excerpt said it as well as I could.  

This book also has a treasure of information about this subject.  It aims to heal the church, as stated in its title.   Bring people together instead of tear them apart.  That is my aim as well. 

Romans 1  

Excerpt taken from “Jesus, the Bible, and Homosexuality” (explode the myth, heal  the church) by Jack Rogers

"The theme of male gender dominance appears again and again in the texts that may claim deal with homosexuality, including Romans 1.  Both the Hebrew and the Greek cultures were patriarchal.  Men where, and intended to remain dominant over women.  Paul assumes the conventions of these cultures that he is addressing.  He uses terms familiar in the Greek-speaking synagogues such as impurity (1:24) and shameless (1:27), which are part of the Jewish language of purity.  And he was equally familiar with terms that are rooted in Greek Stoic Philosophy, such as “lusts” (1:24) and “Passions” (1:26), which denote erotic passion and uncontrolled desire.

In Romans 1:26, Paul writes: “Their women exchanged natural intercourse for unnatural.”  As Nissinen notes, the phrase “their women” is a clear indication of gender role structure.  But, he contends
“Paul’s understanding of the naturalness of men’s and women’s gender roles is not a matter of genital formation and their functional purpose, which today is considered by many the main criterion for the natural and unnatural.  Rather, in the culture Paul is addressing, a man and a women each had a designated place and role in society, which could not be exchanged, For example, Paul in 1 Corinthians 11:3-6 outlines a strict hierarchical ladder of God-Christ-man-woman.  Strict gender role differences are set out, manifested by different hairstyles.  Paul asks, Does not nature itself teach you that if a man wears long hair, it is degrading to him, but if a woman has long hair, it is her glory?” (1 cor. 11:14).  In that culture, to violate these roles would be a matter of shame before God.

For Paul, transgressions of gender role boundaries cause “impurity,” a violation of the Jewish purity code (Romans 1:24)  Nissinen explains that it is the woman taking the man’s active role in sex that was seen as “unnatural.”  The text does not say that women had sex with other women.  They could have been condemned for taking the dominant position in the heterosexual intercourse, or for engaging in non-procreative sexual acts with male partners.  The issue is gender dominance, and in that culture women were to be passive and not active in sexual matters.”

As I have studied and searched for the truth I have found extremists on both sides of this issue. I have also found some middle grounders with very valid points on both sides of the issue. I aspire to be a middle grounder.

 I choose to believe, have faith if you will, that God is not condemning me for loving someone of the same sex, that he has assured me I am his child.  It is almost as if sin is in the eye of the beholder.  Sin is not at all inclusive list. Romans 14 NIV explains it very well.  

Until next time

The Journey part 3

As we delve in to the next couple of passages I would like to reemphasize the importance of interpreting the verse in context.

Both of today’s passages focus on condemning the ungodly, as seen by Paul.    In fact Paul wrote all of the New Testament verses that are used to persuade readers that homosexuality is a sin.   

“Sexual immorality” was included in seven “lists of evil“ in Paul’s writings.  It is pretty safe to say that this was a problem in his society.  It is a problem in our society.  Could it have been the “thorn” in his flesh? 

2 Corinthians 12:7-9 NIV

We do tend to focus on and condemn people based on our sins.    

1 Timothy 1:10 NIV Timothy is urged to stop false teachers.  Paul says that the law commands love and that it is good if one uses it properly.   He goes into a list similar to the one in 1 Corinthians except  it now includes homosexuals.  In my studies the word translated into homosexuals in this text refers to men who used sex as a tool to exploit others.  In fact the King James Version does not even seem to imply homosexuals.  1 Timothy 1 KJV

Jude NIV

Jude 5-7  In Jude the list includes sexual immorality and perversion.  These are paired with Sodom and Gomorrah and are implied to refer to homosexuality.   Sexual Immorality can include a whole list of transgressions that even married, monogamous heterosexual couples do together or alone…  But the main thrust of the passage is ungodliness. 

In all of Paul’s lists there are many other “evils” all of which point to a heart issue. 

   

Much of the “heart issue” that we see or perceive in the LGBT community has been brought out by the discrimination we have faced.  Being driven out of churches, communities, and families we don’t feel that we deserve God’s Love.  When a person does not feel they deserve God’s love or that God does not love them they tend to turn away.  It is much easier when we are rejected to pretend that we don’t care and that we are the rejecters.   

When we are the rejecters we act out in ways that are unappealing to society thus giving a bad name to LGBT people in general, much the same way that extremists in other sub-cultures do.

Many people in the LGBT community have reconciled with God.  Have a heart to serve God, to do right, to follow Christ.  Often times we are told that we are wrong. We are told that being gay and Christian is not synonymous.  This always brings back the doubt that we know so well. 

I read a letter to the pastor who stopped a funeral 15 minutes after it was to start and refused to do a service for an open homosexual.  Body, Flowers, and people had to move to a new location.  The letter is very heart felt and has one basic undertone.... put yourself in the shoes of the mourners.  Click to read the letter  Open Letter to Pastor Ray Chavez

If we could all wear each others shoes for a day.... the world would be a better place.

The Journey part 2

Even the Bible is interpreted by our world view.  It is intended to be that way.  We pull out of it what we need, what God wants us to know at the time. 

 Have you ever read the same exact passage at two different times in your life and been shown a new view? 

Today I will start with the New Testament Bible Verses that talk to Homosexuality; As well as a condensed version of how God revealed them to me during some of my darkest moments.

I will not be able to get them all in one post so I will do one at a time… this will give us time to discuss.

Far too often we pull out the piece of  Scripture that we want to be true, we want to use a weapon, or we want to justify.  

It is always important to take the verses IN context.  Read the entire passage 1 Corinthians 6:1-20

1 Corinthians 6:9 references a list of those who will not receive the Kingdom of Heaven.  It lists “sexually immoral” and “men having sex with men”.  It goes on to explain how sexual immorality affects the body and refers to it as having sex with a prostitute. 

God takes a back seat because of the lust for sex.  

In my studies the reference to “men should not have sex with men” refers to oppression.  In the culture men used sex with other men as a tool of exploitation.  They raped other men in order to be superior to them.

If you take this passage in context you have to go back before the list and read 1 Corinthians 6:1-20   Typically in the Bible the list has something to do with the passage.   All of the items on this list have to do with idolatry, lust, greed, cheating.  Getting what we want at any cost. The Passage speaks to this. 

The Journey part 1

A question was asked of me this week by a faithful lady.  I was going to answer her privately but have been lead to share with all since it is a common question.

She wrote:
“It was always "black" and "white" with me concerning homosexuality and the Bible until you and then ____. I knew both of you well enough to know your hearts for the Lord and to know that you genuinely love the Lord. So, that's made me start thinking. I'm not concerned about the O.T. verses on homosexuality because I know there are many things in the O.T. that were having to do with the times and that we don't follow.
But. how do you feel that it's not a sin when the N.T. says it is? How are those verses explained? Like I said, I'm truly interested in what you have to say."

Many people have this question.   I did too.

I have no easy answer.  No short answer, but in the next few posts I will try to explain some things that I have found in my journey.  Things that God has revealed to me as the truth.

I always knew I was different but didn't understand it.  I spent many years trying to find the piece of me that was missing or being deeply hidden.   I acted out sexually with men, I got married and had kids, I got divorced.  In my early 20’s I finally understood what the missing piece was in my life but was told it was wrong, ungodly, that I would go to hell if I lived this way. I got married again thinking that either I, or God, could MAKE it go away.  I couldn't, God didn't!

In 2009, right after my 40th birthday I came to an end of being able to pretend to be someone I wasn't. I spent the last 6 months of my 14 year marriage crying and praying for God to make me what I thought He wanted me to be. What I thought the Church wanted me to be.

Praying, crying and writing it all out in a journal daily, feeling like I had gone crazy.  Begging God to show me the truth and restore my mind back to the point before I was so torn.

So started my journey….

The journey of finding the truth about homosexuality.

1. There is no "Black and White"  Grey is everywhere, in all situations.  We all see things differently, in differing degrees of good and bad.  Every person has their own journey, their own perspective, and their own agenda.

Broken Glases

Writing re-visited.  I wrote this in 2011 and as I read it this morning it resonated with me. Today's edits are in green.

Have you ever tried to look through someone eases prescription glasses?   The world takes on funny shapes, your stomach turns a little, and your feet don't hit the ground exactly where you thought they were going to.  I'm sure you have heard the expression "looking through rose colored glasses", meaning seeing everything in a good and positive light.  We all have our own pair of glasses on some are rose colored, some are the wrong strength, some are so dark we can not see truth.  Some days it seems i am seeing through broken glasses...

The life we have lived, the people we have encountered, our own internal voices, and our current situation all affect the way we see things in our lives.  We don't always realize it because the color or the strength of our glasses change so slowly that it seems normal and we don't realize we are not seeing reality.   We can not change how our lives have been altered in the past by people and situation,  we can not change how we view life.  We also can not change the way others view life because of the glasses they wear.

When glasses get broken we know it immediately...  one little scratch, bend, or smudge can alter our view in an instant.  So it is with life, one little incident can show us immediately that we are not seeing reality.  Sometimes we choose to ignore the broken glasses and continue to look through them, over time we become accustomed to the flaw and don't even notice it.   

Eventually our eyes get tired,  strained, and we decided it is time to do something about the broken glasses we are wearing... so it is with life.  We get tired of doing the same things day after day expecting different results.  

I, my friends,  am tired of the eye strain... I am worn out with all the glasses I wear that don't fit anymore.  Life it to short to live in a vicious circle of making the same mistakes over and over.  Its time for a change!  

Isaiah 55:6-9   "Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near.  Let the wicked forsake his way, and the evil man his thoughts.  Let him turn to the Lord and he will have mercy on him, and to our God and He will freely pardon.  For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord."

Help me to look through the eyes of the Lord.

Life has a funny way of bringing us back around to cleaning our glasses of the smudges put there by time and experience.  Although today my life is much different and the turn it took 3+ years ago was for the positive there will always be a time to see through clear lenses and see through the eyes of the Lord.  

Christ died for ALL!

Yes I said it and I believe it... Christ died for all. Some would lead us to believe that He only died to save certain denominations, sub-groups, races, etc. but I have it right from the Word of God that he died for all who believe. 

Righteousness Through Faith
21 But now apart from the law the righteousness of God has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. 22 This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. 25 God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— 26 he did it to demonstrate his righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.
27 Where, then, is boasting? It is excluded. Because of what law? The law that requires works? No, because of the law that requires faith. 28 For we maintain that a person is justified by faith apart from the works of the law. Romans 3:21-28

And more than that... Justification/Salvation are a matter of the heart, not the label we put on ourselves or others.

 Easter is a very important time of the year for Christians. We proclaim that our Lord has been crucified, buried and Risen from the Grave. And we believe that he has endured the Cross to take away our sins, that we may have everlasting life.1 Corinthians 15: 20-22.  

These texts and many more like them have no hint of qualification for being Christian, for gaining eternal life through the death and Resurrection of Christ, apart from belief in Jesus Christ.  A matter of the heart...

A matter of the heart my friends....unfortunately many hearts have been damaged and made to believe that they are unworthy of the Love of Christ.

I am speaking directly to those of us who have been damaged by this judgement when I say You are Loved!  Christ wants you to believe,  He wants to know you.  He wants you to know that your sins are covered and there is nothing you can to that will separate you from the love of Christ.  Read Romans 8:31-39

Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture Romans 8:35 The Message

Happy Easter everyone.  Rejoice in our Savior knowing you are LOVED!

Faith, Freedom, and a Law about Neither

I was going to write a blog today but I think she about says it all!

I am not what I would call a gay rights activist. Maybe more of a civil rights activist. 

She is right when she says where will this end! Freedoms in this country are getting fewer and farther between. You take my rights away to gain your own and soon yours will be gone as well. 

As the Bible says.... None are without sin. Not One. Will there come a day when we can refuse service because we THINK someone is alcoholic? Gluttonous? Lying? They look like they might steal something? Muslim? all in the name of Religious Freedom? 

Read the blog by this wise woman and take her challenge. You don't have to be gay or pro-gay marriage to know that this legislation is wrong. SPEAK OUT TODAY

Gay Cheeseburgers in Kansas: Faith, Freedom, and a Law about neither

The Grinch Who Found Christmas

One of my favorite Christmas stories is “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” by Dr Sues.  It always reminds me of the true meaning of the Season.   Christmas is a season not a day.  It is a time of the year to reflect on how we treat others, those that are the closest to us, all the way to total strangers. 

Narrator: Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville - did not. The Grinch hated Christmas - the whole Christmas season. Now, please don't ask why; no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. Or it could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all... may have been that his heart was two sizes too small. But, whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood there on Christmas Eve hating the Whos.

Just like the Grinch most of us just want to feel a part of something, to be loved.  In our busy lives we tend to look over people or treat them as if we don’t care about their feelings.  Causing their hearts to shrink.

On our search for the perfect gift we treat clerks and sales people with complete disregard or even with a little rage when we can’t get what we want from them.   In our homes we forget to show love to the people closest to us.  We should remember we can’t buy love.  Even the perfect gift doesn’t take away the pain of cross words, of short tempers, of the feeling of loneliness even in a crowd.   It does not make the heart grow.

Grinch: How could it be so? It came without ribbons!... it came without tags!... it came without packages, boxes, or bags!

Narrator: He puzzled and puzzed till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. Maybe Christmas, he thought... doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps... means a little bit more!

Narrator: And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say - that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then - the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of *ten* Grinches, plus two!

My challenge today…. Show someone…..everyone that Christmas doesn’t come from a store. Show them the love shown to you that day Jesus was born.

16-18 “This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And why? Because of that person’s failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him. –The Message

The Middle

     Every life situation has two prominent points.  Points in which we seem to remember the most, like quotation marks in a book they mark the beginning and the end.  Sometime the middle is somewhat of a blur with only bits and pieces remembered and sometimes remembered differently by all involved. 

    

   Today will mark the end of Julie’s battle with cancer.  Last week she had her last treatment.  Today she has the power port removed.  For those of you who don’t know, the port is placed in the body so that the patient doesn't look like a pin cushion during a time there is a need to put chemicals into or take blood out of the body repeatedly in a short period of time.  

   

   This is also the end of the year.  Christmas is upon us and soon after that the calendar will flip and we will be rushing headlong into 2014.  Most every ending has a beginning that follows soon after for better or worse our lives are filled with beginning and endings.  Many of them overlapping and taking focus from others. 

    

   If you are like me you find yourself anxiously awaiting and yearning for the end of a time just so you can experience the next.  What I find is that the anticipation for the end also takes away from enjoying the middle.  The middle is where the meat is.  The middle is what really counts.  If there is one thing I have learned this past year it is to live every day as if it were your last.  

Enjoy the Middle!

The Face of Death

Hello friends… it has been a while.  In my last post I wrote about the speed bumps of life and the fact that one had just jumped out in front of me while I wasn't paying attention.  Maybe you are wondering what that speed bump was and maybe you aren't.  Those of you closest to me already know that on September 11^th Julie, my best friend and partner was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer. 

I had never had close dealings with cancer before therefore I didn't have a clue what to expect.  As some of you know once a diagnosis is made things move quickly.  The last 4 months have been a whirlwind of change.  By September 24^th, our 1 year anniversary, she was having her first round of Chemo treatments.  They called one of the drugs the “red devil.”  It lived up to its name.  She had four treatments, one every two weeks and they knocked her off the radar for the duration.  Since then she is on a different treatment every week for 12 weeks which isn't nearly as bad.  Yesterday we hit the mid-point; only 6 more treatments and then surgery with possible radiation to follow.

The whirlwind seems to be slowing down and I actually had a couple hours this morning with not much to do.   I am a doer.  When I am not doing I am thinking….and that isn't always a good thing.

I wrote in my last post that I knew blessings would come out of this “speed bump” and they have. Julie and I had dated, seriously, for a year when she was diagnosed but none of her family or friends knew for sure that we were a couple. (Which is why you have not heard a peep about her before now)  We were always together but kept the intimate part of our “friendship” away from them.  Sure a lot of them suspected something was up but we weren’t admitting anything.  Through this look into the face of death it was decided to stop pretending. (I know, I know, I preach that pretending is not good for us!)

What we found was love and support.  We can speculate that if the big C word had not been involved the support would have been less, but I like to think that being the great gals that we are lent to the acceptance.   There was resistance and denial and a little hostility at first from some family members and rightly so, especially since I moved in right away after them finding out.  The move was not planned it was out of necessity.  The financial burden of Dr. bills for her and me trying to care for two houses and moving the kids back and forth was weighing us down and putting unnecessary stress into an already stressful situation. 

All in all, I can say that life is good.  We will beat the cancer and we don’t have to live in secret anymore.   I guess it just goes to prove one more time that being who you really are, not trying to hide or having anything to prove, is the best way to be loved and accepted by the people who matter most in your life.  Hopefully major issues don't have to happen to make this possible for you.

Speed Bumps

Have you ever been driving along, not paying much attention, and hit a speed bump?  You are suddenly snapped into reality, scared, and paying attention to everything.  Once you realize what had happened you wonder why you did not see that coming.  If only you would have paid attention you could have slowed down and taken it easy, reducing the risk of damage to your car and eliminating the shock value.

The designer of the road knew the possibilities of driving too fast and not paying attention. The speed bump had a purpose and it served it.

Life has speed bumps as well, situations that slow us down.  Make us stop and think.  Make us realize that we are not paying enough attention.  They usually have a purpose.  Most times we have no idea what that purpose is we just have to go forward.

I often think that my life has an unusual amount of speed bumps.  Not knowing the purpose of most of them until much later I continue to move forward slowing down a little after each one.  Gaining insight about myself and the world they almost always make me a better person.

Life laid down a new speed bump this week.  One I have never seen before and hope to never see again.  It felt more like I hit a brick wall (but I’m not that bad of a driver!!!!) Once again I will keep moving forward, slow down, gain insight, and become a better person because of it.

I am not sure what purpose this new speed bump serves in my life or the lives of the people I love but I’m sure that someday we will all know.  What I do know is that I will look for the blessings in EVERY day, and I will not consider the next day a guarantee.

Rambilings

Someday I might stop saying…It’s been a while since I have written.  Every day I come up with a great subject that I would like to write on and everyday slips by without a single word on the page.  I wish I was better at stopping and writing down these ideas and subjects because when I do have time I have forgotten what I was thinking.  J  Must be a sign of old age!!

Boy do I feel like I am getting old some days!

News of the day… I guess an 8 – 5 job isn’t all it’s cracked up to be because I’m going back to the Grocery and excited about it.  Sure my time at home will be shorter but it will be worth it as far a job security and sanity.

I don’t know why but I seem to get along a lot better with teen agers and men than I do with a bunch of women in an office.  Call me crazy…. You would be right!  But I will take crazy over drama any day!!!

Something I have learned about myself lately… this goes back to getting old.  I’m not so great with change these days… In the “olden” days I embraced change.  It excited and exhilarated me, today it stresses me out!  Lots of change, jobs, kids going back to school, football! I am so excited about all three at the same time so NOT.  

Everything has a positive and a negative, and these days my brain goes straight to the negative.  What has happened to my old positive brain??  Lol I can always bring it back out but sometimes it takes longer than others.

Ramblings….A couple weeks ago I went to the most beautiful wedding I have ever been to.  I did not take notice while I was there but in retrospect I have never seen anything like it! It was magnificently put together!  It was filled with guests with nothing less than love for the two people getting married and each other.  Most weddings I have attended were not this way.  They were all for show and there was always some family drama going on in the back ground.  Someday I hope to have a wedding just like that!!  Maybe by then it will be legal!! 

This wedding I attended was not technically legal but they live in a state where same sex marriage is legal and they are legal.  Papers and laws don’t make a marriage.  Love, commitment, honesty, and respect make a marriage.  I may never have the papers in Kansas but I will have all the rest!

Sally Ride, American Hero and Second Class Citizen

I wanted to share this story with all my readers.  It says a lot of what I know but have not been able to put into words!!  Click on link to read!!!

Sally Ride American Hero: This is what a lesbian looks like

I didn’t come out quietly like Sally Ride (I was pushed)  , nor have I achieved any of the things she has but I am a normal human being, raising kids, going to work, putting my pants on one leg at a time.  I wish that the few did not give the many a bad reputation but that happens in every sub-culture.

I know the minute I was pushed “out” I became a monster, and if not a monster a sinner needing saved.    Like somehow the life I had before was a lie.  We are the same people before and after the label.  How can a word change how we are viewed?

Here is another article in which Mitt Romney is quoted as praising Sally Ride for her achievements and calls her inspiring. 

Sally Ride, American Hero and Second Class Citizen

What Mr. Romney says about her after he reads her obituary and finds out she is the epitome of what he is waging war against is yet to be seen. (by me at least) 

I guess all I am trying to say is this.  It is sad that so many, like Sally Ride, have to live their lives not able to share many personal successes, like a 27 year relationship, because it might ruin their career, alienate friends and family, or bring on the many other societal consequences of being in a same sex marriage.  Not being able to have a “real” relationship with the one you love because you are living in fear is a detriment to society and self in the end.

I have to say that I respect Sally for living her life as she did and achieving the goals that were important to her despite the odds against her.  However, you can be sure she suffered some because of it.  She is an American Hero in many ways!  

Don't Spoil it!!!

One theme is prevailing today… contentment!  Being content is a hard thing.  There is always something bigger/better out there. 

A facebook post I read today said “Do not spoil what u have by desiring what u have not; remember that what u now have was once among the things u only hoped for....” This is such a true statement!! When we get what we want it somehow loses its luster and something else becomes desirable. The trick is to keep what you have shined up!!... not always easy but so worth it!

I don’t think there is anything wrong with desiring to be better; to do better, to be a better person; we always have room for improvement.  We can do that without spoiling what we do have!!

For the first time in my life I am content most days! Does that mean I don’t want more for myself? NO!! but it does mean that I can live in peace with me.  Contentment comes from the inside.  Being ok with who I am and where I am, moving forward peacefully.  Changing and growing are inevitable….the day I stop changing and growing will be the day I die. 

I can’t say that I miss that hole in the middle of my chest and when it reappears it feels really bad now.  Usually causing me to spoil something I have, whether that is a relationship, my finances, or my attitude for the day. 

As I ponder all this I wonder….where did that contentment come from?  Why am I ok in my own skin today when just a year ago I wanted to crawl out of it?  So much of life is a mystery to me. J 

It is amazing to me how we can live so many lives in one lifetime.  Each one progressing to who we really are, where God has called us to be…who god has called us to be…  

Today…. Be content….  DON’T SPOIL IT!

Sometimes I wonder

I am having a Sometimes I wonder day. 

I wonder everyday…about something.  Mostly I wonder about people.  A lot of times I wonder “what was I thinking” but mostly I wonder “What were THEY thinking?”  You know what I mean.  People say and do the ugliest things seemingly without a second thought. And apparently without a first thought about how it will affect the people they say it to.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s all worth it to put ourselves out there to be the recipient of this type of turmoil and sometimes I wonder what I do and say that affect people adversely.   Most of us are only concerned with how something makes us feel, so I guess it is good to contemplate how I make others feel.

Sometimes I wonder how to affect others in a positive way.  It often seems that nothing I say or do has a positive effect.  I know it does eventually. 

I’m having inner turmoil with just how much influence is enough and how much is too much.  I want to have a positive effect on my children to help them make wise choices about who they surround themselves with.  I based my opinion on my knowledge and my values. This is right. Yes?  

But on the other hand I am the recipient of a mother “warning her daughter” about making wise choices.  She is basing her opinion on what she knows and her values.   So I am the undesirable in this situation; the bad influence.  Exactly how I look at my daughters friends sometimes.  

If you know me at all you know that I learn my lessons based on parallel experiences.  Looking at other people’s lives and trying to learn from them.  When people have an opinion of me I examine it.   Look for the truth in it and make changes based on what they say and what I find in my examination.  In this situation I am having a hard time because I am doing the same thing this “other mother” is doing and I am expecting my daughter to make “the right choice.”   

I have no answers to this situation, so I guess I will go on contemplating but one thing I do know is that this one has certainly “hit home.”

Speaking of hitting home…Its BASEBALL season!!  Whoo hooo!!

Thank you!

I got a little bit of feedback on my last blog and it gave me some hope… all along  I have been hoping for some dialog.  That is how we all grow… I don’t hold the corner on any market.  I am growing just like you are.  I am glad that the blog is being read but what I really want is to hear from you in either a private email, directly on the blog or right on facebook.  

Give your name or be anonymous it doesn’t matter.

Thank you for speaking out!  Good or bad. Agree with me or not, I want to hear from you!  You have a reason for reading this blog.  Maybe you agree, maybe you live vicariously though others success and failure.  Maybe you are just nosey!  I want to know why you read it.  What you think.  How you feel.  This is a place to be yourself, say what you want.  I have big shoulders!  And I can address real life issues that we are dealing with if you let me know what’s going on.

I believe that we are all on a journey.  We are all gonna make mistakes.   We are all gonna outgrow things and grow into others.  I have made many mistakes.  And I will make many more!!

                                                                                                                                                                (UnfortunatelyJ)

Church???

Here it is again…Sunday morning.   For the last 2+ years I have worked on Sunday morning making going to church or not an easy decision.   This is the 3^rd Sunday I have not had to work and whether or not to go to church nagging me.

I have had very bad experience with church, not the building but the people who occupy them on Sunday mornings, the last 3 years.   Working on Sundays made that dilemma go away for a short period.

As you can see… not to go won out again.  I decided that internet church was a lot less intimidating…

I live in a very small town with 5 churches, my house is located between two of them…. one in my front yard and one in the back. Two others are within a block of my house.  Being family of a small town business I feel it is very important to be part of the community that I live in so I am drawn to stay in town for church.

The people in the church in my back yard, which I had been a member, employee, and board member, made it very clear 2+ years ago that as long as I continued the lifestyle I had chosen I was not welcome.  Oh I could go take up a pew and they would not kick me out by force, but I definitely would not be welcome to be associated with any of their programs or activities…. And definitely the “friends” I’d had there for almost 10 years would not be my friend anymore they would be my conscience.  I miss them and I’m sure they pray for me (or maybe they have given me over to the devil so he can bring me back J)   None the less… I don’t feel very welcome there. 

The one at my front door… the minister who used to be there was very welcoming.  Even came to my house a couple times to evangelize my girlfriend at the time.  If I had not been working I would have gone there.  I know all the people there too… and they know me so I am not sure I would be welcomed there either and the new minister… I don’t know her and have not been brave enough to put myself out there.

I guess I have put myself in a position to be an outcast in a small town.  I could go to Topeka and be a number.  And there are two “open and affirming” churches in Topeka.  I went to one for a while.  I liked several things about it.  But there were things that I didn’t like so much.  Not that you have to like everything about a place of worship…..

I wish that homosexuality wasn’t such as a political/religious issue.  What does it really matter who I love?    I wish the churches would step into the 21^st century and put their money where their mouth is… they preach love but support hate and intolerance.  My desire for a family oriented, faith based life is the same as my heterosexual opponents. I have that life… my family just looks different.  And the sad part is, so does my faith because of their actions.  On second thought... maybe that's not so bad.  My love is genuine and my mind isn't so narrow now as to think that I am better than anyone, including them.

Changes Transpired

I woke up so early today (5:30)…laying here saying to myself “go back to sleep!!”  My thoughts turned to you.   So many times I have had current events topics or life issues that I wanted to write about but I have not found the time.

Back in January I posted a blog about changes… boy was I right.  My life has changed drastically in the last couple months…   back in July I decided that it wasn’t in the best interest of my kids for me to work 50+ hours including 3 evenings and Sundays.  My daughter was adamant about coming to live with me (which I didn’t think would happen) and getting in trouble, plus I was missing their events. I wanted to be more available for them. So I embarked on the job hunt adventure.  In January I started getting interviews from the millions of applications I had put in.  As you know I worked for and with my family so it made me sad to think about leaving there.  Along with the downfalls of the job there were equal benefits: like working daily with my sister who has become my best friend and my dad who I adore, plus a lot of contact with my mom who is pretty special too.  (Family is a very important part in my life.  I have said before that they accept me and LOVE me for who I am and for that I am truly blessed.) Not to mention my customers.

Since then…. In February I took a new job which I started in March.  Sounds like I should have had plenty of time to write…right?  Monday thru Friday 8-5…but I ended up staying at the grocery part time for most of March, helping out and training my replacement.  AND my daughter came to live with me. This last week was my first 40 hour week and I spent it catching up on some things that needed done….and was planning on sleeping in this morning. J

The changes in my life have been bittersweet to say the least.  The situation surrounding my daughter coming to live with me was less than favorable but we play with the hand we are dealt and I am loving having her here! (Any mothers of present or past teenage daughters email me for the details so I can learn from other situations: what works and what doesn't....)

Life  changes….I was just sitting here in deep contemplation over my life in the last 3 years…. I think I’m finally on the downward side of the huge mountain I was looking at 3 years ago.  I guess my motto of “pretend no more” is panning out.  I am happier today than I have been in my whole life and that is saying something because my life has not been a bad one. 

Being who we are brings a peace that surpasses understanding… I know that is a Bible reference… Phil 4:6-9.  Put it all in God’s hands and do as He directs you only then will things will work out and you will have peace.(angi’s paraphrase)  I can only believe that is what is happening in my life. 3 years ago next month I begged God to take this thorn from me.  Cried for months and let people tell me this was not God's will for my life.  I believe God wanted me to be who I am and wanted me to stop pretending to be who I was.  I put it all in His hands.  Oh its not all rainbows and butterflies (whose is?)…and I have made alot of mistakes (who hasn't?)....but it is a life worth living and working out every day!!

Jennifer Knapp

From the first time I heard Jennifer Knapp sing the words of her songs resonated with my soul.  I knew there was a connection.  He songs were begging God to change her... make her whole... make her right according to what she had been taught about God and His desire for her life.

Listen to one of theses songs... Whole Again

For years I considered my same sex attraction a thorn in my side like Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10  A sin that just wouldn't let go.  Something that would torment me.  Begging God to remove it... just take it away so I could live a "normal" life.

I wanted  to share this blog because what she has to say is so true of so many people... read the comments too!    
I could write the exact same things written here but why re-invent the wheel... enjoy

Knapp's blog from this week

Who's to say....

Washington Gay Marriage: State Senate Approves Bill To Allow Same Sex Couples To Wed

Another step forward for Gay couples to feel like a family… I will touch on Gay marriage in another post but for today…..

“Gay marriage opponent Jane Sterland, 56, stood outside the Senate gallery before the debate started. Sterland said she was disappointed by the light turnout of same-sex marriage foes.

"It saddens me that there aren't more Christians here tonight," she said. "I'm just very grieved about this whole thing. I want to be here for prayer support against this issue."”

This quote taken from the above linked news article makes me angry… What makes Ms. Sterland think that the pro gay marriage turnout was “NOT CHRISTIAN”?

This is exactly the point i was making in my last post…. We believe that we are right and everyone else is wrong… I have seen Ms. Sterland’s attitude in many people over the last few years and have come to realize that even I had it at one point in my life.

Religion isn’t the only area where this is pervasive in but it is one of the most outspoken… If you don’t fit into a nice set of rules then... well.....you are not a Christian. 

I personally know gay people who are strong believers and great workers for the Lord… who have been discredited because of the sexual orientation that God gave them.  They feel shame for who they are to the point of being rendered unusable by God.  That my friend is the work of satan.  He has come to kill, steal, and destroy and his work is going well.  Especially inside the walls of narrow minded, conservative Christians who are saying “it’s my way or no way”.

I understand that they believe it is a sin and that their right.  But it is not their right to judge whether or not I am a Christian….

The Bible says we are all different; that we all have different purposes.  It tells us that we should respect each other not cut each other off…   1 Corinthians 12-13

 If we could all embrace that we could work together instead of always battling… just think about the great works we could do for the Lord!