Rambilings

Someday I might stop saying…It’s been a while since I have written.  Every day I come up with a great subject that I would like to write on and everyday slips by without a single word on the page.  I wish I was better at stopping and writing down these ideas and subjects because when I do have time I have forgotten what I was thinking.  J  Must be a sign of old age!!

Boy do I feel like I am getting old some days!

News of the day… I guess an 8 – 5 job isn’t all it’s cracked up to be because I’m going back to the Grocery and excited about it.  Sure my time at home will be shorter but it will be worth it as far a job security and sanity.

I don’t know why but I seem to get along a lot better with teen agers and men than I do with a bunch of women in an office.  Call me crazy…. You would be right!  But I will take crazy over drama any day!!!

Something I have learned about myself lately… this goes back to getting old.  I’m not so great with change these days… In the “olden” days I embraced change.  It excited and exhilarated me, today it stresses me out!  Lots of change, jobs, kids going back to school, football! I am so excited about all three at the same time so NOT.  

Everything has a positive and a negative, and these days my brain goes straight to the negative.  What has happened to my old positive brain??  Lol I can always bring it back out but sometimes it takes longer than others.

Ramblings….A couple weeks ago I went to the most beautiful wedding I have ever been to.  I did not take notice while I was there but in retrospect I have never seen anything like it! It was magnificently put together!  It was filled with guests with nothing less than love for the two people getting married and each other.  Most weddings I have attended were not this way.  They were all for show and there was always some family drama going on in the back ground.  Someday I hope to have a wedding just like that!!  Maybe by then it will be legal!! 

This wedding I attended was not technically legal but they live in a state where same sex marriage is legal and they are legal.  Papers and laws don’t make a marriage.  Love, commitment, honesty, and respect make a marriage.  I may never have the papers in Kansas but I will have all the rest!

Church???

Here it is again…Sunday morning.   For the last 2+ years I have worked on Sunday morning making going to church or not an easy decision.   This is the 3^rd Sunday I have not had to work and whether or not to go to church nagging me.

I have had very bad experience with church, not the building but the people who occupy them on Sunday mornings, the last 3 years.   Working on Sundays made that dilemma go away for a short period.

As you can see… not to go won out again.  I decided that internet church was a lot less intimidating…

I live in a very small town with 5 churches, my house is located between two of them…. one in my front yard and one in the back. Two others are within a block of my house.  Being family of a small town business I feel it is very important to be part of the community that I live in so I am drawn to stay in town for church.

The people in the church in my back yard, which I had been a member, employee, and board member, made it very clear 2+ years ago that as long as I continued the lifestyle I had chosen I was not welcome.  Oh I could go take up a pew and they would not kick me out by force, but I definitely would not be welcome to be associated with any of their programs or activities…. And definitely the “friends” I’d had there for almost 10 years would not be my friend anymore they would be my conscience.  I miss them and I’m sure they pray for me (or maybe they have given me over to the devil so he can bring me back J)   None the less… I don’t feel very welcome there. 

The one at my front door… the minister who used to be there was very welcoming.  Even came to my house a couple times to evangelize my girlfriend at the time.  If I had not been working I would have gone there.  I know all the people there too… and they know me so I am not sure I would be welcomed there either and the new minister… I don’t know her and have not been brave enough to put myself out there.

I guess I have put myself in a position to be an outcast in a small town.  I could go to Topeka and be a number.  And there are two “open and affirming” churches in Topeka.  I went to one for a while.  I liked several things about it.  But there were things that I didn’t like so much.  Not that you have to like everything about a place of worship…..

I wish that homosexuality wasn’t such as a political/religious issue.  What does it really matter who I love?    I wish the churches would step into the 21^st century and put their money where their mouth is… they preach love but support hate and intolerance.  My desire for a family oriented, faith based life is the same as my heterosexual opponents. I have that life… my family just looks different.  And the sad part is, so does my faith because of their actions.  On second thought... maybe that's not so bad.  My love is genuine and my mind isn't so narrow now as to think that I am better than anyone, including them.